Day 101 – 105: Expansion

I didn’t do my 108 sun salutations today.

It’s day 105 of this long strange journey and I didn’t do them.

A major shift has happened within me and it stems from doing this massively powerful practice of completing 108 Sun Salutations every single day which has heightened my sense of awareness tenfold and this past weekend where I had one of the most powerful and expansive experiences of my life.

On Saturday, I went to my very first Grateful Dead concert and my very last. It blew my mind. I had an experience where I was TRULY living in the moment which is vastly different from my everyday. I was electricity. We were ALL electricity. All 71,000 of us radiating intense pulsating energy. In that moment, every single worry and doubt crossed my mind and then vanished with a clear vision that I am taken care of. Every silly cliche suddenly made perfect sense to me.

I have never felt more alive and more connected to the present moment, than in that stadium.

You would have thought I would have learned how to be more present by now but as my therapist said years ago, “if cancer teaches you anything, it should be to live in the moment.”

Live in the moment

In this VERY moment. I hear these words over and over in my head and yet I struggle daily.

During the show, there were intense moments of gratitude and love and it wasn’t just coming from me. Everyone around me was radiating this beautiful energy that is impossible to describe. There were, of course, some dark energies too but as I walked and danced through the crowd, I knew exactly who to connect with and who to let walk by. I met so many angels that night. Deadheads like to talk of “miracles” happening and I can witness – there were miracles happening everywhere. There is this underlying language that everyone spoke and even though I was new, I understood perfectly. It’s easy to understand when the underlying code is LOVE. Seriously. SO. Much. LOVE. It was an incredibly beautiful experience and my little vata mind wanted to document it all. Every single detail.

There were moments when I wished I had a video camera or a pad of paper and pen. Underneath that hidden language, however, was a message that I heard loud and clear,

LIVE this moment

When you looked around, no one had their phone out. Very little pictures were taken around me and when I did pull my phone out to try and capture a moment – the entire happy bubble that I was in, deflated a little. There is no way you can capture these moments in a picture, I just had to live it. And I loved it! My mind definitely wandered to the past and into the future and there were times when  my energy was pierced by negativity but it was quickly brought back to the present and I was so intensely grateful for all of it.

Immediately after leaving the heightened energy of Saturday’s show, all I wanted to do is sit by the water, meditate and absorb. So I did, and it felt great. I’ve never felt more peaceful or centered or happy in my entire life! I’ve felt all those things very intensely before, but always separate and not often.

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I have never felt more alive.

I didn’t get a ticket for Sunday night, but my cup runneth over. Going Sunday would have only been a bonus to an unbelievable weekend that feels like somewhat of a dream today.

I went with my friends to the stadium, and held my finger up high, indicating that I needed a miracle amidst hundreds of others looking for a ticket. When they went into the show, I sat down on the steps of the museum and meditated. There was a peaceful happy chaos all around me. Hippies and executives dressed in tie dye, all mingling and brushing shoulders, connected by one common string – loving and sharing in the exact same moment.

I’m not usually one to just sit down in the middle of a bustling crowd and meditate. But I did. Several times that evening.

And each time yielded the most beautiful connections.

 

I have never felt more alive, in my entire life.

When I returned home Monday night, I was absolutely exhausted and I had blisters all over my feet from dancing. Instead of saluting the sun, I sat under the stars and meditated. My body could not withstand sun salutations. Time vanished and I continued to meditate. There were a lot of unexpected tears but I felt light. My mantra during meditation these past few days has been, “I am open. I am listening”. Repeated over and over, 108 times.

That night, my mantra was a clear and difficult, “I surrender.”

Surrendering is not easy for me. Sitting in meditation with the intention of surrender, is harder than any physical practice I could have done bu it was what my body needed in that moment.

While I sat there underneath the stars, I could feel my heart energy filling up my chest, all across my collarbones down to my sternum. The space felt warm and was buzzing with calm energy. I however, felt nothing in my gut. My third chakra has very sluggish energy and always has. I mention the implications of an unbalanced Manipura Chakra in a previous post.

You would think, with completing 108 Sun Salutations every day, my solar plexus would be lit up with energy, but it’s not.

I can feel that it’s not.

The past 3 days I have reconnected with my Shadow Yoga practice and as I am getting reacquainted, I am learning new things about my body and my connection to this practice. I have been focusing on my sun salutations for so long, the Balakrama feels like a new practice again. It feels like I am returning home.

I started this 108 day Sun Salutation journey as a means to reconnect with a daily practice, and find healing. I also was hoping to raise enough money so that I could go to India and continue on my path of discovery and healing.

This past winter was particularly hard, as I was having really dark emotions wrapped around my cancer. I reached out to my therapist / energy healer and we have been meeting twice a month since March. Jenni was my angel while I was going through treatments in Melbourne and she knows me more than anyone on this planet, including me. But we’re working on that .

I am getting to know myself a lot more as I delve into these dark corners and explore what is lurking. It can be really fucking scary sometimes but it’s better to shine light on it than to leave it nestled in those corners, wrecking havic on my body which is my greatest fear.

I reconnected with Jenni because I knew that I still needed to work through some things, and it was soon after that I came up with the idea of doing 108 sun salutations every day. I realize now that these sun salutations were yet another distraction that I created for myself. I am an expert at filling up every single minute of every day.

Last October, I cut my cleaning business back significantly because I was working an insane amount of hours on very little commission and soon after, started working 12hr hygiene days which I overlapped with 108 sun salutations every day. This is insane.

I’m busy. Too busy. I DO NOT live in the moment. It’s really hard to live in the moment when you cram your days with things that do not fulfill you and then have little time for things that do.

This weekend, I filled up. All the way up and overflowing. I don’t remember a time where I felt more grounded and light than I did on Saturday and this feeling of being centered, has followed me into today. The intensity is gone but the sensation is still there. I feel more open and more sharp with surrender than I have in a very long time and I intend to ride this wave and do all that I can to maintain this level of connectedness to my body and my self.Processed with VSCOcam with f2 preset

Last night by body needed meditation and release and tonight it needed my Shadow Yoga practice, followed by more meditation.

I only have a few more days left on this 108 day journey and it looks like it may end very different from where I intended.

Sunday, July 5th, was my original 108 “end date”. I extended my 108 journey to 116 days to allow space in my practice. All weekend, in Chicago, I did my salutations. I’ve done them every day, in one form or another, for 108 days. I’ve done the work. Forgetting my original end date, my body is intuitive and is now asking for stillness.

I am learning to surrender. It’s really scary for me to surrender and let go of control. To trust that God and the Universe will take care of you.

I am thousands of dollars away from my goal set to allow me to go to India where I can continue my quest for healing. I’ve known for a while now, that completing 108 sun salutations wouldn’t get me to India monetarily wise, and that something bigger is in store.

This lifestyle I have CREATED FOR MYSELF does not however, allow space for the Universe to grab any reigns. It doesn’t allow room for growth or expansion. There’s no time in my schedule for it.

My practice is shifting, as all things in life do. I can no longer pack constant movement into my practice which mirrors my lifestyle. I need balance.

So like I said, the end of my sun salutation journey is very different than I expected. I’m not sure exactly how this will end but I have a feeling it’s only the beginning.

 

For those of you who have donated to my campaign, I made a promise that I would do 108 Sun Salutations every single day and instead, I am making a promise to honor my body and step down from the physical practice. I appreciate your support and your love throughout this journey and I would not be upset in the slightest if you decide that you would like for me to refund your money. I have nothing but absolute love and respect for whatever decision you make. Please let me know either way, so that I know you received this message.

If you haven’t already, and would like to make a donation to my campaign in support of my journey – please link to my fundraising page and spread the love.

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read these words on this page. I encourage you to modify this story in any way to fit into your life.

Where can you find more space for expansion?

What is blocking you from reaching your full potential and how can you alter it so that it fulfills you?

What fills you up and how can you make time for more of it?

Where do your priorities stand?

What is truly important?

 

Thanks again and big BIG love to you all!

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